What-IFs

I started my day with pessimistic forage. I was lost in my own web of thoughts. Web of thoughts is an understatement. I was lost in a lousy maze of “what if’s”. At one hand I was content with the fact that I no longer needed to open another technical book today since today was the start of my semester holidays. But on the other hand, the very same books reminded me of several what ifs: what if I had chosen a different line of course? What if I had chosen a different college? What if I had stuck with my very first (and never fulfilled) passion of pursuing Biotechnology? What if I could have managed to get the output during my very first lab that would have saved me from wasting a year? What if I had utilized that one year for something useful instead of getting more lost within my crazy mind frame? What if... what if... What if...

The thoughts kept on streaming through my mind like some old movie being played repeatedly through a projector. I get really angry and frustrated when I pose questions to which I’m incapable of answering. I needed to immediately vent off my frustrations. I needed to write this out (my only escape and my way of ventilating myself from tantalizing thoughts!). But I had no words today. My hand started to shake when I held the pen. Not even one word could I ink on that blank sheet of paper. Terrible rage consumed my body. Three actions followed: threw the pen, tore off the blank sheet to tiny pieces n punched the wall with way too much force. Ouch! Pain brought me back to reality. “When in rage, I’m not a super woman who can relent to physical pain”.

A few moments later, I felt the temper ebb away, only to be replaced by something appalling. That miserable feeling of defeat. That helpless feeling of not knowing what to do with my life and not being able to figure out where my very future lies ahead. Happy thoughts come and go. But thoughts like these, they tend to linger like some heavy, invisible devil on your shoulder. I hate it when my day starts with these thoughts. They tire me mentally. I was stuck in that somber state. But my day was saved by a simple text message sent to me by one of my close friends. That message just reminded me and pointed me to the only possible direction I can look into in a situation like this: “Stop thinking too much and just enjoy your present. Stop giving a damn about these lousy what ifs coz they are in the past and they cannot be called to the present just by thinking about them (one would need a time machine for that!). Just stop wondering the impossible and just start doing the impossible”. 

Yes. My thought process had changed its track to a positive destination today. I started to become cheerful again. All hope was not lost today. Tomorrow is yet again an unknown destination that is fueled to be reached by my mind based upon the varying levels of optimism/pessimism temperament that my heart offers.