The Hazardous Magic

Photo Courtesy: Flickr 

Why do we care for people to care? Sometimes, we seek out in hopes of catching a little magic off the feeling of owning something close to our soul... but it is during those times, these feelings tied with hopes, tend to go haywire. Until finally, it would become an enraged obsession.

I was fooling myself. I believed that a new place to start over would put a closure to old chapters, and a new breeze to breathe would definitely pull me out of my long-standing habit of redoing the same mistakes. But I was wrong, yet again. With my new life, I had built a pretty ritualistic routine of being the “uptight workaholic”. Truth be told, it was a mere attempt to train my untamed heart from going for things, not meant for me to get attached.

Three drinks down, I manage to sit up straight on the empty evening terrace, as stars decide to shine on me kindly and I can almost hear their whisper, questioning the reason for my present predilection. I ignore them and look down at my empty glass and to my surprise I can see a tiny circular window at the glass bottom. Its reflecting me that warm summer night I was out on the street with him, walking alongside a person, who even though was righteously honest enough to express his unsure disposition when it came to me, all I could see through the glass, was that dreamy expression on my face, resigned to risk it all, at the cost of getting hurt again. 

I jump up on my feet in a heightened rush and smash the glass on the floor and scream out to the stars, “Why didn’t you shine on me your righteous wisdom and save me that night, eh?” 

And the stars continued to do what they do best... twinkle away in silence. And I do what I do best every other night... drown myself in some more magic.

P.S: Deeply inspired by the song “Chandelier” by Sia.

P.P.S: Back with a post after a long, long time. More posts will follow, which will continue to unclearly explain what this writer is up to!!

Girl in the City

It’s never easy to know exactly whether the decision you have taken is for your own good or for your worse. Once a decision is made, your life’s path changes its course towards a different direction. Your life’s path is more or less like a navigation point on a GPRS map. The paths and the directions keeps drifting around you and you are left to choose the most suitable path from the numerous rights, lefts and U-turns. And it’ll be even more challenging when you have no idea about the destination!

Most of the times you are bound to take a wrong turn; a wrong turn that is taken intentionally just to see how the path works for your future or the same wrong turn taken unintentionally and later regretted. Either way to move forward towards any direction, you have to take that decision. You have to choose that path and you have to tread on it and experience what the path holds for you.

Ever since the graduation, all I’ve been doing is searching for that one right path amidst the numerous options that are laid before me. But all I did was choose each option and carefully contemplate the pros and cons of each such option. Over the months I started to realise, what I think, see, read and hear about the options in front of me is nothing compared to what I would experience firsthand in case I choose one of them.

You can make all the plans you want. But how much a perfectly laid out plan can actually work out? Even the best laid plans fail and mine is far from being called perfect. But I have choices. Lots of them. But all of them have the same weight age. All of them have their own pros and cons. If I choose one, I have to be ready to face some high roads and always be ready to sacrifice my comfort zone. Nothing ever comes easy for sure.

So here I am. In this big city, away from home. Finally moving forward on to a new path rather than contemplating what the path holds in the future. Am I scared what would happen if things doesn’t work out? Hell yes. I’m scared about a lot of things but I know I have it in me to face them all. And that comforts me to some extent.

Future is always unknown and I’m glad not to know. Makes my life simpler to live and to survive. Yes, surviving. I never actually lived to survive before; I just lived a carefree life. But now I’m surviving to live. And that makes all the difference there is.

Money Matters

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Now that my final semester exams are over, the post-exam holidays are not exactly what I had in my mind during the exams. The vacations after any exam is a welcoming gift to any student but the same doesn’t hold good for a final year Bachelor of Engineering student and especially if that student doesn’t have any inkling what to do with her life once the course ends.

Questions... a lot of unanswered and doubtful ones and Decisions... I remember when I was in 8^th grade, I was given the first decision of my future career with respect to which language I would choose as 1^st language: Sanskrit or Kannada? And I know the amount of struggle I have faced within myself to choose the one that is suitable for me. If I choose Sanskrit then that would mean I have to pay more attention to the subject but if I choose Kannada, I would have to struggle with the old dialects that I still find difficult to read and understand. Either way I faced a lot of dead ends. I chose Sanskrit over Kannada by the way and for a few reasons it was a good decision in the end and for a few more reasons it was a bad decision after all. This is mainly related to me, taking double the time I take while reading a Kannada news paper or books as opposed to the English ones. As Kannada is my mother tongue, this is a downright shameful situation for me to be in.

Thus said, I and decisions don’t go hand in hand. And now I have a lot of paths ahead of me and choosing the one that is feasible to my mind set and the one that offers minimal doubts about the future is not at all an easy game-play.

I had long dreams about enjoying my holidays in bliss for a couple of months once my exams got over. But the very day I came home after finishing my last exam, I felt least relieved. There was no “thank god it’s finally over” kind of euphoria that usually greets me after every semester’s exam. Instead, there was a dead-weight in my chest. The reason: a student can enjoy his/her vacation if and only if he/she knows when the college is going to reopen next. Once they know the deadline, they can plan the holiday fun accordingly. But I’m currently stuck in a “stay at home” vacation which is anything but a vacation. I don’t have a two month dead line to enjoy my vacation like I used to do in the previous years of my entire education life. My future right now is so dark and clouded. In fact, I have no idea what will happen from a week from now. I have no idea what kind of decisions I have to face and take up in the nearest future. 

Relatives, neighbours, the grocery store aunty and many more people who know me have asked me the same questions; “You have finished your exams right. Finally you are enjoying your holidays na?”

Enjoyment? I have lost the meaning to that word right now. Everything I do right now, I do because I have to do since I have nothing else to do. I feel deeply unemployed and under-educated right now. Because currently I’m in a phase called “wait for thy results and meanwhile thou hast to look for a job or thou hast to apply for higher studies”. As I wait for the dreaded result which is about to be announced, I have to juggle between looking out for jobs and at the same time preparing for PGCET exams for higher studies.

Uncertainties at both the ends and all because everything depends on my results. If I end up getting a backlog (god forbid), I’ll be stuck in a dead-lock for the next six months (unless I manage to pass in reval or the money-mongering challenge revaluation). Else if I do become an Engineer, I have to decide what to do next. I’m terrible at making the right decision so it’s really unsettling.

Bottom-line: I refuse to sit at home and do nothing. I did not struggle these last few years to just give up and sit at home and end up marrying someone and ask him for pocket money in the future. I’m becoming very aware of the money games that are happening in my life right now. Mom and Dad used to dish out money without a second word or question to me before exams ended. But now, every penny equals to a thousand questions. This has started to drive me nuts. I’m used to spending money without thinking and now I have to restrain myself. I know my folks have their best interest in me and they have never said no when it came to money matters but I guess there comes a point when even they feel like ATM machines. And it has never been my intention to make them feel that way but sometimes opinions clash and words will be spoken rather harshly.

Its times like these I strongly feel like taking up any job and just be happy to spend my own money. But that would mean I have to settle for uninteresting jobs and lead a rather miserable life. And if I decide to do MBA for the next 2 years, I have a promise of landing myself in a better career position (even this is an uncertainty but I’m just going to assume the good stuff here to avoid dwelling on uncertainties). But that would mean I have to depend on my folks for two years worth of pocket money.

Decisions... decisions... Which should I make I know not. All I have figured out right now is to gain something, I have to lose something else. 

Realization

Courtesy: Google images

“Would you care to explain your reaction back at the restaurant when you saw that girl?”

“Mom, would you please give it a rest. It had nothing to do with her. I don’t recall making any reactions that you so badly want me to explain”.

“Don’t lie to me Nicolaus, we were in a middle of a very serious conversation and all of a sudden you spilled yourself with wine when that waitress arrived with our food.  And I observed a very cold reaction on the girl’s face when she looked at you. Don’t tell me you are befriending all the downtowners in this city...”

“Mom please, she just looked like someone I knew back in my college days. That’s all...”

“Okay honey. I’m just concerned about your future. You know how much the Andersons family has helped your father in his business. You barely listened to what I said after you saw that girl. Anderson’s daughter Jenna has taken quite a liking for you. I have called her to our residence tomorrow. Would you please stay back and engage her. She’s a doll Nicolaus and I’m sure you will tell me the same after you see her tomorrow.”

“I really don’t have time to play house guest Mom. Why don’t you two ladies talk? Don’t involve me in this. I’m not ready to see anyone right now.”

“What do you mean you are not ready? You are 28 and the most eligible bachelor in our social circle. Of course you are ready to settle down Nicolaus. What’s gotten into you lately? I hope you are not on some dingy drugs...”

“Think what you like mom but don’t expect me to stay back tomorrow.”

 Saying so, Nicolaus stormed out of the house, got into his car and drove all the way to the restaurant they had just come from.

Parking his car right beside the brightly lit “Four seasons Restaurant”, he watched her as she carried out food trays in and out of the kitchen.

Where were you all these days Caroline?

His mind wandered back to a memory that took place 6 years ago.

One late night, Caroline had called him saying there was something she needed to talk to him about. They were both studying at the same university and they were dating from four months.

“Hi baby, what’s so important that you called me to meet you at this hour?”

With her head bent down she said slowly, “Nick, I’m pregnant...”

The news had shocked him but he didn’t show it. He needed to handle this very carefully. There was no way he was ready to father a child at this point in his life. His father was the CEO of a top Marketing Company and a lot of responsibilities were waiting for him back at home.

He hugged her and whispered, “Its ok Caroline, everything will be fine. I promise you...”

She looked at him in surprise and said, “Really? This is fine with you?”

“Yes of course, there is no need to panic. Tomorrow let’s go to Doctor Martha and she will take care of everything. She is a close acquaintance with my family and we can let her do her thing and in two weeks everything will be back to normal. You can attend your classes and we can go back to dating...”

As he saw her hopeful eyes change from shock to anger, he knew he had just said all the wrong things.

“I’m keeping the baby Nick. I don’t need your help. I made up my mind last week itself. Yes, I knew this news from one week. I found courage to let you know today. I hoped you would react to it differently and I almost believed you will help me raise the baby when you said “everything will be fine”. If killing the baby is fine, then I don’t want fine. You get it?”

Anger still burning in her eyes, she backed away from him and said her final words, “Good-bye Nicolaus”.

He had been a coward to call her back and hold her hand and give her his support. Deep in his heart, he wanted to be there for her but the thought of letting his father and mother down made him stop in his track and just turn away.

He had always wondered where she was and whether his child was a boy or a girl. But he had put these issues behind him as he slowly rose above the business ladder.

But when he saw her tonight, that was the first time in six years he was brought back to the ground.

How selfish I've been all these years. Because of me, she left her education to raise a child. We both are responsible and I selfishly backed out. That look she gave me a couple of hours back. I know she will never forgive me. But how selfless of her to not bring the issue up in front of my mother.

Then he saw her coming out of the restaurant with her coat and scarf on. As she waited by the curb for the bus, he gathered his courage and approached her.

“How have you been Caroline?”

“Nick!! You startled me... what are you doing here?”  Her eyes were reacting with his, furiously searching for answers.

“I didn't know you worked here... I thought you moved back to Jersey to your parent’s home after you told me the news...”

“Well, my parents weren’t exactly supportive with my decisions either. Like you, they were ashamed of me. So after a month there, I moved back to NYC... But why do you care Nicolaus, you must be happily married by now as per your parent’s choice”, she scoffed at him.

“Caroline, I’m really sorry. No, I have no right to apologize. I know you will never forgive me...” After a moment’s hesitation he finally said the words he had wanted to say all night, “I never should have left you Caroline. I should have supported you and our child. I’ve been a terrible boyfriend and now a terrible father too... please can I see our child? I don’t even know whether it’s a boy or a girl. I have no right to ask you this... but...”

Caroline held up her hand and cut him off, “Save the apologies Nick. I don’t need it. I’ve moved on and even though I work part time at a restaurant, I’ve saved enough money to finish my education. Emma and I are doing absolutely fine. I’ve told her daddy is not here with us as he is away on a trip. She is too young to understand. When she grows up she’ll know...”

“She doesn’t have to know Caroline. I want to see her and be with her. I want you both in my life. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. I’m not going to make another one again. I love you Caroline and I always have...”

“You can see her Nick, I will not deprive you of that. But please don’t enter my life again. Life is tough but I’ve learnt a lot along the way. I’m content with how I am. We don’t need you Nick. I didn’t need you back then and I don’t need you now”.

“I know Caroline, that you are rightfully angry at me, but I’m rightfully sorry too and I want to make things right again. I don’t care what my parents think anymore. It’s you and Emma that I want in my life...”

“Let’s not talk about that now. Come I’ll take you to my home. You meet her once and you please leave and don’t ever enter our lives again”.

“Why Caroline... Why are you being so aggressive? I really do want to be a part of your life. I want to raise my child with you. I deserted you because of fearing my parents. I was a coward until now. I’ve come to realise, no amount of power and money gives happiness in life. All these days, I lead a robotic life. I was empty inside. My decisions have made my parents happy but I certainly am not. When I saw you tonight, the past memories that I tried so hard to hide came back to me and I feared they will torture me from inside. But no, I found new hope Caroline. Seeing you tonight after all these years, has given me new hope...”

Google images

“Save your words Nicolaus, because after you see Emma, I’m sure you will back out again...”

 She shook her head slowly and said,” Our daughter is crippled Nicolaus, from waist down. She was born that way. That’s the reason, I never really called you. You left me when you heard I was having your baby. Would you have really come back if you knew your daughter was crippled?”

 She wiped away her tears and spoke, “It’s ok Nick. I love her so much that she doesn’t need a father figure. You don’t have to disgrace your family with a crippled heir you know...”

Unconfined tears rolled down Nicolaus's eyes.“Caroline, please... I’m not a monster to turn my back even after hearing all these”.

Nicolaus took Caroline’s hand and lead her to his car. “Please take me to my daughter and not one more word above that.”

As he looked into her now surprised yet happy eyes, he knew she had found her answer at last.

Shared with: Theme Thursday

P.S:  Sometimes when I least expect it, I end up writing a short story in one sitting. Two months ago I had some characters in my mind. I had visualised a restaurant and a couple seated at a table. I had planned to let the female character tell the male character that she was pregnant, but before she can do that the male character would tell that he had fallen in love with someone else and that he was leaving her. That’s all I could come up with 2 months ago and I really didn’t know how to weave a starting and ending to such a plot. I had almost given up on this story. Today, I happen to stop by at the Theme Thursday blog and the theme was “reaction”. I’m still bewildered, how the word reaction caused me to write up this story. I guess I reacted to it at last!!