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The strong wind made me sway as if I was sailing on a boat. To my right stretched the most beautiful ocean, outshining its way through a plethora of golden light. The sunset seemed like a perfect start to a new decision towards life.
“Roni come on, let’s dive into the waves”, a small kid shouted at his elder brother in excitement. “Ronit, don’t let him go too deep”, shouted their father over the loud gushing and splashing of the strong Arabian waves.
The excitement and recklessness in the kid’s voice and the father’s clear concern, made me realize that I had been overlooking these small, yet necessary emotions when it came to building a family. This was the first time I had actually managed to take note of these emotions. All that mattered to me these days were emotions that I used to showcase only for materialistic things. Like the new car that I had been dreaming to buy since two years which I finally bought last week. To commemorate the success, I had taken a week off and even made Malini, my wife do the same so that we could come out of the city for a weeklong celebration and relaxation.
Over the salty wind, I could hear Malini’s voice loud and clear, at the back of my mind. “Abhi, what exactly are we celebrating? It’s just a car. I’m very happy you bought it and now it will be easy for you to travel to work every day. I don’t feel like it’s necessary to take a whole week off just to drive around in it, along the coast line.”
“What are you talking about hon? This car represents a milestone that we have reached in our marriage. We have finally reached a stage where, we as a couple can lead a luxurious, guilt-free life. Isn’t that what we always talked about?”
“That was three years ago Abhi. We were newlywed and buying a big house and a car is any husband and wife’s initial dream. We are about to enter into our fourth year of marriage and all we own is a two bed room flat in the city. Our parents don’t visit us often because it’s too far and even if they do; we are always busy travelling back and forth from our work. And now we have finally bought this expensive car which pretty soon will start hibernating in the basement because of the rising petrol rates.”
“Um, actually the car runs on diesel...”
“I don’t care on what it runs”, Malini’s voice shook in frustration. “I want to own something that is ours Abhi, not something we order and buy at a store. Don’t you think it’s time we start investing on something a little selfless?”
“Selfless? Let’s see, I work 10 hours a day so that we can afford a nice home and now a car and you work for a few hours, teaching local school kids some English. But yeah, it’s very selfish of me to buy a car and very selfless of you to point out how selfish I am! Thanks a lot Mal, I expected a little more support from you but definitely not this.”
“Abhi, aren’t you understanding what I’m trying to say? I feel like I’m the only one who is thinking of having a family with you and all you think is to invest your money in something that doesn’t have a heart!”
“You mean kids? Oh, come on Malini, it’s a new apartment; it’s only a year old. I really don’t want kids at this stage. I mean the havoc they create... it’ll be like living with a live volcano that can erupt anytime it pleases. And what about your work? You will have to quit your job to look after them. Do you really want to give up your career so soon?”
“See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. You are so selfish right now. You are saying no because you care more about the house paint getting wrecked by our future kids rather than thinking about how wonderful it’ll be to have a little baby boy or a girl amidst us. Are you seriously that heartless Abhi?”
I couldn’t stand her glaring at me. This whole having kids’ conversation always made me uncomfortable. “Look, I’m not saying no to a future prospect. But it’s too soon for us to have kids right now Malini. Let’s give it a couple more years...”
She was shaking her head in disbelief now. “You know what your problem is Abhi, you are scared.”
“Why should I be scared..?”
“Oh stop it Abhi, I didn’t marry you blindly, I knew you’re very thoughtful of your decisions. Sometimes you hesitate to make a decision to such an extent that you will end up missing an entire opportunity. Like that promotion that you bluntly rejected because you thought you were not ready for the change so soon. Life is all about change Abhi and if you don’t get that, then I don’t think neither of us will be happy together.”
“Give me a break with the preaching, Malini. We have come all the way to Goa to enjoy a few peaceful days. Can you please not ruin our holiday like this? I promise, once we go back we’ll work it out”
“You have been saying the same thing from last two years.” Saying so Malini walked out of the Resort towards the beach.
***
Now here I was walking along the coast, in search of her for the last two hours. I saw all sorts of people; couples enjoying an evening walk, kids building sand castles together while their happy parents took photos, groups of friends running about the beach or playing with the waves.
Malini and I were about to be 30 this year and having kids was the next best thing at this stage. But why do I feel like I’m not ready?
I guess Malini is right. I’m just scared to accept changes in my life, I thought. That’s when I realised how selfish and unreasonable I was sounding. Malini was the one who was ready to sacrifice her career to bear my kids and here I was, completely lost within my world of new homes and new cars and monetary investments.
I started walking back towards the resort. I saw Malini sitting on a park bench and looking to her left at the kid’s playing nearby. A little girl ran towards Malini and pulled her hand, gesturing her to play with her. I could clearly see the longing look in Malini’s eyes as she took the little girl’s hand and ran with her towards the beach.
I ran too. Towards Malini and hugged her from behind and whispered, “I’m sorry for being such a jerk this whole time Mal. I will not make you wait anymore. Seeing you with the kids made me realize how happy you will be when we have our own kids. And I want that happiness in our lives”.
Malini turned to face me and I could see her blushing. “You really meant that, didn’t you?”
And that’s how we ended the perfect setting on the sun-set beach with a perfect kiss.
***
