2013, Will you be mine?

Thank god this year is ending. I'm literally glad to be moving on to the next year. What did the year 2012 did to me? It didn’t do anything to me, per se. It was all me. I landed myself in situations without any pre-warnings, became a rather insane victim of multiple mood-swings resulting in irrational decision makings. I became a nomad. I still am. I don’t know where I belong right now. I’m just drifting through this so called life. Still aiming to get an aim in life so that I can “focus” on something at the very least. Nope. This year was just not for me. And it ends on that sad, bitter note.

There’s got to be some good stuff that happened this year? Well, the world didn’t end! So that’s really good for me to carry out further life experiments! I’m trying really hard to think of some good stuff I experienced these 12 months that I can type here. Now, that’s a really pitiable sign indeed! But I will make a list. Maybe it’ll tell me this year wasn’t so bad after all. And maybe at the end of this list, I might get inspired to end this post on a positive, bright note. Boy, I really want to believe in white lies now, don’t I?

  1.      January: For the first time I celebrated the New Year at other than my Mysore home. Bangalore; with my dad, cousins and my project friends. Drank red wine and ate pani puris, with less pani and more vodka in them!!

  2.      February: Nah, nothing good happened that month.

  3.      March: My birthday. Bittersweet memory right now. Because I’m pretty certain that would be that last time I’d be surprised by my friends and also get to cut two different cakes in one day!

  4.      April: The Kashmir trip with my parents and brother. Best 5 days of my life. It still helps me to mentally transport myself to those beautiful snow-capped mountain ranges and crystal clear lakes whenever I’m low.

  5.      May: Project finalization pressure. And euphoria at the end of the month as we got it completed. Five month’s hard work and kiss-assing the lecturers finally paid off!!

  6.      June: Exam time. I still remember my confident and clear mind-set after writing each paper. Felt good to be sure of myself.

  7.      July: Result and the fact that I was an engineer.

  8.      August: Nothing special to recall. Just me and my weight loss spree, got me to visit some new places and to meet different people.

  9.      September: Decision time. MBA or JOB? Spent first 20 days of the month researching and deciding on a few MBA colleges.  Spent the next 10 days to back out of the plan as I suddenly felt this dark feeling in my pit. And that feeling was: “I needed to work”. And I have a tendency to follow the dark, unsure path with a hope to see some light at the end.

  10. October: Moved out of my house. Bangalore called. Learned to adjust to Bangalore life-frequent bus travels, long miserable walks under hot sun until either my slipper snapped or I turned a shade darker.

  11. November: Met a lot of people- people looking for jobs, people giving jobs, people calling me to attend interviews at various locations. And also someone very interesting.

  12. December? It’s been a rough mental wave ride. Haven’t’ figured out what it was this month that caused me to detest everything that’s been leading up to this moment. Made some stupid regrettable mistakes without meaning to do so and that lead to a lot of drama (But if everything resolves in the future, I could actually write a book on all of it!!). But for now, I’m still clueless and heavy-hearted. No good stuffs here for sure, except the self-satisfaction that I’m writing again!

 So on the last day of 2012, I quote this; “Every year there will be a lot of heights and lows. Bad things happen, a lot at times. It makes you question yourself over and over. It gives you fear, frustration, anguish and anger. And worst of all it stops you from looking after your back and disrupt your life with your own crazy thoughts. But everyone tells me that everything happens for a reason. I have decided to believe in this in spite of all that’s happened so far tells me not to do so. So it’s a healthier approach to believe in happy endings rather than fear for a bad future ahead. HOPE does not fail a true believer. Be true to yourself, no matter what comes your way. You are the only person standing between you and your goals and progress in life. Just make sure you are there as a good supporter rather than a lousy hurdle”.

And on that note, I wish every clueless and clairvoyant people alike a very Happy and Fantastic New Year.

2013, I hereby declare thou as my year!!

Money Matters

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Now that my final semester exams are over, the post-exam holidays are not exactly what I had in my mind during the exams. The vacations after any exam is a welcoming gift to any student but the same doesn’t hold good for a final year Bachelor of Engineering student and especially if that student doesn’t have any inkling what to do with her life once the course ends.

Questions... a lot of unanswered and doubtful ones and Decisions... I remember when I was in 8^th grade, I was given the first decision of my future career with respect to which language I would choose as 1^st language: Sanskrit or Kannada? And I know the amount of struggle I have faced within myself to choose the one that is suitable for me. If I choose Sanskrit then that would mean I have to pay more attention to the subject but if I choose Kannada, I would have to struggle with the old dialects that I still find difficult to read and understand. Either way I faced a lot of dead ends. I chose Sanskrit over Kannada by the way and for a few reasons it was a good decision in the end and for a few more reasons it was a bad decision after all. This is mainly related to me, taking double the time I take while reading a Kannada news paper or books as opposed to the English ones. As Kannada is my mother tongue, this is a downright shameful situation for me to be in.

Thus said, I and decisions don’t go hand in hand. And now I have a lot of paths ahead of me and choosing the one that is feasible to my mind set and the one that offers minimal doubts about the future is not at all an easy game-play.

I had long dreams about enjoying my holidays in bliss for a couple of months once my exams got over. But the very day I came home after finishing my last exam, I felt least relieved. There was no “thank god it’s finally over” kind of euphoria that usually greets me after every semester’s exam. Instead, there was a dead-weight in my chest. The reason: a student can enjoy his/her vacation if and only if he/she knows when the college is going to reopen next. Once they know the deadline, they can plan the holiday fun accordingly. But I’m currently stuck in a “stay at home” vacation which is anything but a vacation. I don’t have a two month dead line to enjoy my vacation like I used to do in the previous years of my entire education life. My future right now is so dark and clouded. In fact, I have no idea what will happen from a week from now. I have no idea what kind of decisions I have to face and take up in the nearest future. 

Relatives, neighbours, the grocery store aunty and many more people who know me have asked me the same questions; “You have finished your exams right. Finally you are enjoying your holidays na?”

Enjoyment? I have lost the meaning to that word right now. Everything I do right now, I do because I have to do since I have nothing else to do. I feel deeply unemployed and under-educated right now. Because currently I’m in a phase called “wait for thy results and meanwhile thou hast to look for a job or thou hast to apply for higher studies”. As I wait for the dreaded result which is about to be announced, I have to juggle between looking out for jobs and at the same time preparing for PGCET exams for higher studies.

Uncertainties at both the ends and all because everything depends on my results. If I end up getting a backlog (god forbid), I’ll be stuck in a dead-lock for the next six months (unless I manage to pass in reval or the money-mongering challenge revaluation). Else if I do become an Engineer, I have to decide what to do next. I’m terrible at making the right decision so it’s really unsettling.

Bottom-line: I refuse to sit at home and do nothing. I did not struggle these last few years to just give up and sit at home and end up marrying someone and ask him for pocket money in the future. I’m becoming very aware of the money games that are happening in my life right now. Mom and Dad used to dish out money without a second word or question to me before exams ended. But now, every penny equals to a thousand questions. This has started to drive me nuts. I’m used to spending money without thinking and now I have to restrain myself. I know my folks have their best interest in me and they have never said no when it came to money matters but I guess there comes a point when even they feel like ATM machines. And it has never been my intention to make them feel that way but sometimes opinions clash and words will be spoken rather harshly.

Its times like these I strongly feel like taking up any job and just be happy to spend my own money. But that would mean I have to settle for uninteresting jobs and lead a rather miserable life. And if I decide to do MBA for the next 2 years, I have a promise of landing myself in a better career position (even this is an uncertainty but I’m just going to assume the good stuff here to avoid dwelling on uncertainties). But that would mean I have to depend on my folks for two years worth of pocket money.

Decisions... decisions... Which should I make I know not. All I have figured out right now is to gain something, I have to lose something else.