September 22, 2011

Invisible Giants

I don’t know where I stand these days. A lot of issues are bugging me out. Maybe I’m responsible for bringing up these issues into my life. Why can’t bygones be bygones? Why should everything have to be like this... you know... unmanageable and it feels like I’m viewing everything to resemble a messed up knot... Hard to untangle or maybe I just don’t have the strength or heart or whatever it is to untie this huge knot... sort it out so that I can handle all the problems one by one.

 Ha, I can’t even solve one silly problem and talk about even thinking of sorting out all these multiple problems at hand. I just can’t do it all at once. I can’t even seem to resolve them one by one. Oh, I’m so messed up. I’m literally feeling all messed up. My uncombed hair speaks miles about what’s going on in that brain beneath it. I feel like going underground, like vanishing from my room, like running away from everything, like escaping into the void. I know none of the things I just said are the right solutions to all my problematic repositories.

Then what is the solution??? Neither can I handle my problems nor can I give up on them. I feel exhausted just by thinking about them. I’ve tried the careless approach. I’ve stopped caring about them. Well it’s more like if manage to stop caring for myself and the problems that constitute me for a few days (now a days it stretches out into months!), then boom... I’d be greeted with more problems than there were before I had stopped caring for them.
Is there no end to this... how do I put it... this whole charade? Why am I thinking in circles? I know I don’t get any solutions out of these questioning and whining games that I’m playing with myself right now. But then why don’t I just stop this craziness? Or maybe I should just accept that the ship of sanity has long since sailed and I’m left out alone on a port that belongs to the city of the “messed up cuckoos”! Is it just me? I don’t think so. Everybody has problems that they can’t face at times of confusion. It’s the problem of an unprocessed mind coupled with uncoordinated body and soul. I just feel sick and hopeless and weighed down by all these invisible giants called problems.

Sigh... no answers today. I guess I’ll just have to wait (and in the meantime pick my brain with more crazy questions!) and see if I’ll manage to undo all these messy knots that I’m supposedly stuck in.

This is me signing out on a grim and confounded note.

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