Now that my final semester exams are over, the post-exam holidays are not exactly what I had in my mind during the exams. The vacations after any exam is a welcoming gift to any student but the same doesn’t hold good for a final year Bachelor of Engineering student and especially if that student doesn’t have any inkling what to do with her life once the course ends.
Questions... a lot of unanswered and doubtful ones and Decisions... I remember when I was in 8th grade, I was given the first decision of my future career with respect to which language I would choose as 1st language: Sanskrit or Kannada? And I know the amount of struggle I have faced within myself to choose the one that is suitable for me. If I choose Sanskrit then that would mean I have to pay more attention to the subject but if I choose Kannada, I would have to struggle with the old dialects that I still find difficult to read and understand. Either way I faced a lot of dead ends. I chose Sanskrit over Kannada by the way and for a few reasons it was a good decision in the end and for a few more reasons it was a bad decision after all. This is mainly related to me, taking double the time I take while reading a Kannada news paper or books as opposed to the English ones. As Kannada is my mother tongue, this is a downright shameful situation for me to be in.
Thus said, I and decisions don’t go hand in hand. And now I have a lot of paths ahead of me and choosing the one that is feasible to my mind set and the one that offers minimal doubts about the future is not at all an easy game-play.
I had long dreams about enjoying my holidays in bliss for a couple of months once my exams got over. But the very day I came home after finishing my last exam, I felt least relieved. There was no “thank god it’s finally over” kind of euphoria that usually greets me after every semester’s exam. Instead, there was a dead-weight in my chest. The reason: a student can enjoy his/her vacation if and only if he/she knows when the college is going to reopen next. Once they know the deadline, they can plan the holiday fun accordingly. But I’m currently stuck in a “stay at home” vacation which is anything but a vacation. I don’t have a two month dead line to enjoy my vacation like I used to do in the previous years of my entire education life. My future right now is so dark and clouded. In fact, I have no idea what will happen from a week from now. I have no idea what kind of decisions I have to face and take up in the nearest future.
Relatives, neighbours, the grocery store aunty and many more people who know me have asked me the same questions; “You have finished your exams right. Finally you are enjoying your holidays na?”
Enjoyment? I have lost the meaning to that word right now. Everything I do right now, I do because I have to do since I have nothing else to do. I feel deeply unemployed and under-educated right now. Because currently I’m in a phase called “wait for thy results and meanwhile thou hast to look for a job or thou hast to apply for higher studies”. As I wait for the dreaded result which is about to be announced, I have to juggle between looking out for jobs and at the same time preparing for PGCET exams for higher studies.
Uncertainties at both the ends and all because everything depends on my results. If I end up getting a backlog (god forbid), I’ll be stuck in a dead-lock for the next six months (unless I manage to pass in reval or the money-mongering challenge revaluation). Else if I do become an Engineer, I have to decide what to do next. I’m terrible at making the right decision so it’s really unsettling.
Bottom-line: I refuse to sit at home and do nothing. I did not struggle these last few years to just give up and sit at home and end up marrying someone and ask him for pocket money in the future. I’m becoming very aware of the money games that are happening in my life right now. Mom and Dad used to dish out money without a second word or question to me before exams ended. But now, every penny equals to a thousand questions. This has started to drive me nuts. I’m used to spending money without thinking and now I have to restrain myself. I know my folks have their best interest in me and they have never said no when it came to money matters but I guess there comes a point when even they feel like ATM machines. And it has never been my intention to make them feel that way but sometimes opinions clash and words will be spoken rather harshly.
Its times like these I strongly feel like taking up any job and just be happy to spend my own money. But that would mean I have to settle for uninteresting jobs and lead a rather miserable life. And if I decide to do MBA for the next 2 years, I have a promise of landing myself in a better career position (even this is an uncertainty but I’m just going to assume the good stuff here to avoid dwelling on uncertainties). But that would mean I have to depend on my folks for two years worth of pocket money.
Decisions... decisions... Which should I make I know not. All I have figured out right now is to gain something, I have to lose something else.