2013, Will you be mine?

Thank god this year is ending. I'm literally glad to be moving on to the next year. What did the year 2012 did to me? It didn’t do anything to me, per se. It was all me. I landed myself in situations without any pre-warnings, became a rather insane victim of multiple mood-swings resulting in irrational decision makings. I became a nomad. I still am. I don’t know where I belong right now. I’m just drifting through this so called life. Still aiming to get an aim in life so that I can “focus” on something at the very least. Nope. This year was just not for me. And it ends on that sad, bitter note.

There’s got to be some good stuff that happened this year? Well, the world didn’t end! So that’s really good for me to carry out further life experiments! I’m trying really hard to think of some good stuff I experienced these 12 months that I can type here. Now, that’s a really pitiable sign indeed! But I will make a list. Maybe it’ll tell me this year wasn’t so bad after all. And maybe at the end of this list, I might get inspired to end this post on a positive, bright note. Boy, I really want to believe in white lies now, don’t I?

  1.      January: For the first time I celebrated the New Year at other than my Mysore home. Bangalore; with my dad, cousins and my project friends. Drank red wine and ate pani puris, with less pani and more vodka in them!!

  2.      February: Nah, nothing good happened that month.

  3.      March: My birthday. Bittersweet memory right now. Because I’m pretty certain that would be that last time I’d be surprised by my friends and also get to cut two different cakes in one day!

  4.      April: The Kashmir trip with my parents and brother. Best 5 days of my life. It still helps me to mentally transport myself to those beautiful snow-capped mountain ranges and crystal clear lakes whenever I’m low.

  5.      May: Project finalization pressure. And euphoria at the end of the month as we got it completed. Five month’s hard work and kiss-assing the lecturers finally paid off!!

  6.      June: Exam time. I still remember my confident and clear mind-set after writing each paper. Felt good to be sure of myself.

  7.      July: Result and the fact that I was an engineer.

  8.      August: Nothing special to recall. Just me and my weight loss spree, got me to visit some new places and to meet different people.

  9.      September: Decision time. MBA or JOB? Spent first 20 days of the month researching and deciding on a few MBA colleges.  Spent the next 10 days to back out of the plan as I suddenly felt this dark feeling in my pit. And that feeling was: “I needed to work”. And I have a tendency to follow the dark, unsure path with a hope to see some light at the end.

  10. October: Moved out of my house. Bangalore called. Learned to adjust to Bangalore life-frequent bus travels, long miserable walks under hot sun until either my slipper snapped or I turned a shade darker.

  11. November: Met a lot of people- people looking for jobs, people giving jobs, people calling me to attend interviews at various locations. And also someone very interesting.

  12. December? It’s been a rough mental wave ride. Haven’t’ figured out what it was this month that caused me to detest everything that’s been leading up to this moment. Made some stupid regrettable mistakes without meaning to do so and that lead to a lot of drama (But if everything resolves in the future, I could actually write a book on all of it!!). But for now, I’m still clueless and heavy-hearted. No good stuffs here for sure, except the self-satisfaction that I’m writing again!

 So on the last day of 2012, I quote this; “Every year there will be a lot of heights and lows. Bad things happen, a lot at times. It makes you question yourself over and over. It gives you fear, frustration, anguish and anger. And worst of all it stops you from looking after your back and disrupt your life with your own crazy thoughts. But everyone tells me that everything happens for a reason. I have decided to believe in this in spite of all that’s happened so far tells me not to do so. So it’s a healthier approach to believe in happy endings rather than fear for a bad future ahead. HOPE does not fail a true believer. Be true to yourself, no matter what comes your way. You are the only person standing between you and your goals and progress in life. Just make sure you are there as a good supporter rather than a lousy hurdle”.

And on that note, I wish every clueless and clairvoyant people alike a very Happy and Fantastic New Year.

2013, I hereby declare thou as my year!!

In The Air

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 33; the thirty-third edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. The theme for the month is 'Celebrations'

Life is a cycle of emotions. And often, many deeply felt emotions take quite a time to get recycled. That first missed heartbeat when someone tells you that they like you... that first kiss... that first feeling of being lost in love. The first time these emotions happen, you will inexplicably find yourself floating on cloud nine. Your life suddenly becomes more colorful... Technicolor so to say and your routine becomes more meaningful. You will start enjoying every minute of your life. You will start to appreciate yourself more. When love is in the air, you are definitely a better person.

 But, the real life starts to happen, when the cloud nine that you presumably thought to be floating on forever bursts into tiny rain drops, making you fall... a long way back to ground-zero. Tears run wild, heart aches in resentment, colors around you slowly mixes together to just plain, dull grey. You will start to ask questions? “Was I really in love?”... “Why is this happening to me?”... 

And you know then, that this beautifully poisonous emotion called love can’t be with you forever. Everything has to end one day. Love turns into anger and resentment. You would start wishing you had never fallen in this love-pit. But then again, if you hadn’t, you wouldn’t have known and experienced those beautiful emotions that exists in this pit. So it’s a cycle indeed. You fall in love, feel great for some time and then get hurt and fall out of it. Then you try... try your best to stay out of love’s way. You will start thinking, “I’m not meant for love” or “I would never find love again”. And it’s true, when you are looking for that four-lettered poisonous dart called love, you will never find it.

You can’t look for love and neither will you find it. Love happens when you least expect it. It’s a clean shot, right through your heart. Love finds you when you are finally learning to lead a content, lonely life. When finally you accept to the idea of leading a long-single life with no care or other head-aches; that’s when love finds you. Irony, isn’t it? Love doesn’t come to you when you need it, it actually decides to awaken your heart when you least need it.

Well, no heart can live without love for long. Try as you might, you just can’t. That craving for care, love and attention will always be there no matter how much you might have thought to have tamed your heart.

So when love knocks on your door again and starts to possess you like never before, who are you to stop it? Just let it be. Love is an invisible celebration. Only you would know how much it is making you to change in your life. 

Love makes you want to live again... properly this time.

Love makes you want to sing again... and sing you will. 

Love makes you want to learn to pay attention to detail... you will start counting every little heartbeat in the name of love. 

Love makes you want to cherish that special someone... never before had anybody had that much of an impact on your life.

Love is indeed an invisible celebration. When cupid strikes an arrow through your heart, you are right then, a transformed person. It spreads warmth through your insides, making you a better person on the outside. Your good nature will be amplified and all your pessimistic thoughts will be forced to be subjugated. We celebrate each and every occassion in the year with dance, music, lights and sweets. But when the celebration of love starts to happen, all you need is love itself and the person you can share it with.

Love is an invisible celebration but it is the celebration of new found hope and happiness. So celebrate it... cherish it... because, love is in the air!!

***

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. Introduced By: The Fool, Participation Count: 02

Girl in the City

It’s never easy to know exactly whether the decision you have taken is for your own good or for your worse. Once a decision is made, your life’s path changes its course towards a different direction. Your life’s path is more or less like a navigation point on a GPRS map. The paths and the directions keeps drifting around you and you are left to choose the most suitable path from the numerous rights, lefts and U-turns. And it’ll be even more challenging when you have no idea about the destination!

Most of the times you are bound to take a wrong turn; a wrong turn that is taken intentionally just to see how the path works for your future or the same wrong turn taken unintentionally and later regretted. Either way to move forward towards any direction, you have to take that decision. You have to choose that path and you have to tread on it and experience what the path holds for you.

Ever since the graduation, all I’ve been doing is searching for that one right path amidst the numerous options that are laid before me. But all I did was choose each option and carefully contemplate the pros and cons of each such option. Over the months I started to realise, what I think, see, read and hear about the options in front of me is nothing compared to what I would experience firsthand in case I choose one of them.

You can make all the plans you want. But how much a perfectly laid out plan can actually work out? Even the best laid plans fail and mine is far from being called perfect. But I have choices. Lots of them. But all of them have the same weight age. All of them have their own pros and cons. If I choose one, I have to be ready to face some high roads and always be ready to sacrifice my comfort zone. Nothing ever comes easy for sure.

So here I am. In this big city, away from home. Finally moving forward on to a new path rather than contemplating what the path holds in the future. Am I scared what would happen if things doesn’t work out? Hell yes. I’m scared about a lot of things but I know I have it in me to face them all. And that comforts me to some extent.

Future is always unknown and I’m glad not to know. Makes my life simpler to live and to survive. Yes, surviving. I never actually lived to survive before; I just lived a carefree life. But now I’m surviving to live. And that makes all the difference there is.

All in a LIE

I feel so trapped inside. No goals, no determination, no desire and NO CLUE whatsoever. What am I going to do with my life? Looks like this life of mine has come to a miserable halt. There is no track from here on that would lead me to the so called destination. What is my destination? I hear the word Destiny in the word destination. What is my destiny? Did god give me this messed up, about to be fucked up life just so that I can ask this question?

Destiny is overrated. Just like the movies. Just like the art shows. Just like every other colourful aspects humans create to indulge in. It’s a fucking camouflage. A lie. That is the ultimate truth. Destiny possesses our souls, brainwashing our hearts to make the mind believe that the body has to strive hard, for the ultimate “desty”-nation.

Nope. No way. Not in this lifetime. Ah, these are the negative vibes that I feel so familiar with. It’s a strange thing, but these words give me an ironic comfort inside. Almost like I am agreeing to them without a fight. I take pleasure in pessimism now. Because I know ultimately when all the hope, faith and the rainbow coloured optimism leaves me, I’ll be greeted by my good-old friend pessimism. Negativity is like a sarcastic symphony. It is just below our hearts waiting to pull it down whenever the heart gets overwhelmed to soar high because of over-optimism or excessive trusting. It keeps our heart grounded.

An everyday optimistic person can point out that this negative aura of mine does nothing but cage my dreams, hopes and desires. But they are so wrong. Reality now-a-days is more real than what the word reality actually expresses. Everything is not white, pink or golden. Black is a good colour and so is grey. I am surrounded by darkness.

I feel lost, yet I feel like I’m home.

A perfect sun-set

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 30; the thirtieth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

The strong wind made me sway as if I was sailing on a boat. To my right stretched the most beautiful ocean, outshining its way through a plethora of golden light. The sunset seemed like a perfect start to a new decision towards life.

“Roni come on, let’s dive into the waves”, a small kid shouted at his elder brother in excitement. “Ronit, don’t let him go too deep”, shouted their father over the loud gushing and splashing of the strong Arabian waves.

The excitement and recklessness in the kid’s voice and the father’s clear concern, made me realize that I had been overlooking these small, yet necessary emotions when it came to building a family. This was the first time I had actually managed to take note of these emotions. All that mattered to me these days were emotions that I used to showcase only for materialistic things. Like the new car that I had been dreaming to buy since two years which I finally bought last week. To commemorate the success, I had taken a week off and even made Malini, my wife do the same so that we could come out of the city for a weeklong celebration and relaxation.

Over the salty wind, I could hear Malini’s voice loud and clear, at the back of my mind. “Abhi, what exactly are we celebrating? It’s just a car. I’m very happy you bought it and now it will be easy for you to travel to work every day. I don’t feel like it’s necessary to take a whole week off just to drive around in it, along the coast line.”

“What are you talking about hon? This car represents a milestone that we have reached in our marriage. We have finally reached a stage where, we as a couple can lead a luxurious, guilt-free life. Isn’t that what we always talked about?”

“That was three years ago Abhi. We were newlywed and buying a big house and a car is any husband and wife’s initial dream. We are about to enter into our fourth year of marriage and all we own is a two bed room flat in the city. Our parents don’t visit us often because it’s too far and even if they do; we are always busy travelling back and forth from our work. And now we have finally bought this expensive car which pretty soon will start hibernating in the basement because of the rising petrol rates.”

“Um, actually the car runs on diesel...”

“I don’t care on what it runs”, Malini’s voice shook in frustration. “I want to own something that is ours Abhi, not something we order and buy at a store. Don’t you think it’s time we start investing on something a little selfless?”

“Selfless? Let’s see, I work 10 hours a day so that we can afford a nice home and now a car and you work for a few hours, teaching local school kids some English. But yeah, it’s very selfish of me to buy a car and very selfless of you to point out how selfish I am! Thanks a lot Mal, I expected a little more support from you but definitely not this.”

“Abhi, aren’t you understanding what I’m trying to say? I feel like I’m the only one who is thinking of having a family with you and all you think is to invest your money in something that doesn’t have a heart!”

“You mean kids? Oh, come on Malini, it’s a new apartment; it’s only a year old. I really don’t want kids at this stage. I mean the havoc they create... it’ll be like living with a live volcano that can erupt anytime it pleases. And what about your work? You will have to quit your job to look after them. Do you really want to give up your career so soon?”

“See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. You are so selfish right now. You are saying no because you care more about the house paint getting wrecked by our future kids rather than thinking about how wonderful it’ll be to have a little baby boy or a girl amidst us. Are you seriously that heartless Abhi?”

I couldn’t stand her glaring at me. This whole having kids’ conversation always made me uncomfortable. “Look, I’m not saying no to a future prospect. But it’s too soon for us to have kids right now Malini. Let’s give it a couple more years...”

She was shaking her head in disbelief now. “You know what your problem is Abhi, you are scared.”

“Why should I be scared..?”

“Oh stop it Abhi, I didn’t marry you blindly, I knew you’re very thoughtful of your decisions. Sometimes you hesitate to make a decision to such an extent that you will end up missing an entire opportunity. Like that promotion that you bluntly rejected because you thought you were not ready for the change so soon. Life is all about change Abhi and if you don’t get that, then I don’t think neither of us will be happy together.”

“Give me a break with the preaching, Malini. We have come all the way to Goa to enjoy a few peaceful days. Can you please not ruin our holiday like this? I promise, once we go back we’ll work it out”

“You have been saying the same thing from last two years.”  Saying so Malini walked out of the Resort towards the beach.

***

Now here I was walking along the coast, in search of her for the last two hours. I saw all sorts of people; couples enjoying an evening walk, kids building sand castles together while their happy parents took photos, groups of friends running about the beach or playing with the waves.

Malini and I were about to be 30 this year and having kids was the next best thing at this stage. But why do I feel like I’m not ready?

I guess Malini is right. I’m just scared to accept changes in my life, I thought. That’s when I realised how selfish and unreasonable I was sounding. Malini was the one who was ready to sacrifice her career to bear my kids and here I was, completely lost within my world of new homes and new cars and monetary investments.

I started walking back towards the resort. I saw Malini sitting on a park bench and looking to her left at the kid’s playing nearby. A little girl ran towards Malini and pulled her hand, gesturing her to play with her. I could clearly see the longing look in Malini’s eyes as she took the little girl’s hand and ran with her towards the beach.

I ran too. Towards Malini and hugged her from behind and whispered, “I’m sorry for being such a jerk this whole time Mal. I will not make you wait anymore. Seeing you with the kids made me realize how happy you will be when we have our own kids. And I want that happiness in our lives”.

Malini turned to face me and I could see her blushing. “You really meant that, didn’t you?”

And that’s how we ended the perfect setting on the sun-set beach with a perfect kiss.

***

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. I’m thankful to BLOGGER NAME, who introduced Blog-a-Ton to me, and I debuted in XX edition.

Credits

Image - Shades of Orange by Harsha Chittar
Courtesy - Curious Dino Photography via www.blogaton.in